Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
