I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I need moral support for this bender
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
