Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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