What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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