If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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