That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
