Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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