Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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