Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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