Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It was confusing and full of hummus
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
