i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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