I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
