This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
