Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
