Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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