I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
