i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
