you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just pee around me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
