The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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