Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
