I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
