Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
