i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
