Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
