Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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