no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
