When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Vodka?
Forever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
