You just made me feel so damn special
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
