I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my being single is dangerous.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Randomize
