Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
