I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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