just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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