I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
