That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
