Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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