I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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