I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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