Plan B is the new Plan A
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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