dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
