I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
