Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
