I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
