So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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