Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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