i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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