i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
