i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
babies were throwing up all over the place
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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