I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
