Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
