I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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